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Sep. 1st, 2005 @ 05:11 pm Stuff
I'm feeling pretty: crushedcrushed
Well... if you had asked me what JC and I would be doing right now this time last year I probably would say we'd be thinking about what we were gonna do for dinner. However, things have changed so drasticallyl over the last two weeks that my life has basically come to a halt.
Something happened between the two of us. We started dating ... we were living together.. and we were each other's best friend ... and we worked together. He went from begging to date and crying on my shoulder cause I said no to telling me he needed space after we decided to date for 8 months. I never once expected to be in this position. If anything I thought i'd be the one breaking up with him.
This wouldn't be so hard for me had I not also lost my best friend as well. He told me he just tneeded space and time and that things would be fine and we'd perhaps try and worrk on things. I believed in him and couldn't wait to move out so I could be even closer to him. Well, when moved out my friendship with johnny ended. He became a different person almost over night. He found out I went on a date with someone and the next day he told me he met someone and they were dating. This kid is the complete opposite of me and is very bad for johnny. I've told him that, but he doesn't care.
Johnny doesn't talk to me anymore, he doesn't return my phone calls or e-mails but when I see him look at me at work I can tell he still has feelings for me. That hurts the worst becuase I know it's there and he's hiding it. He treats me so horrible when I do try to talk to him. My heart is so big though that I just can't walk away. I know i'm only hurting myself by trying to keep myself in his life, but I can't help but to think he'll realize he's made a big mistake and will come back.
You see, I don't care who you are you can't take almost 3 years of your life and just delte it like he's trying to do. Why would you want to anyway. My heart is broken and my life seems to just be in shambles and I can't do anythign about it. Nothing makes me happy... except for the thought that the one person that I held on to might be thtinking of me.
I wish I could move on but I know everyone in this town and there's nobody here for me. I just wish I knew why he's acting like I don't exist. What makes people do things like this? he says he cares about me and stitll loves me and needs space and time but does that mean I don't exist?
Even if I dont have him as my boyfriend - I want my fucking best friend back. He means the world to me and without him everything means nothing to me.
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Mar. 28th, 2005 @ 10:26 pm Party Invitation
I'm feeling pretty: sicksick
I finished the invitation for my party next weekend. This one isn't as good as the other but I'm sick and don't have as much time as i did.
Do you like? Of course all my live journal buddies are invited! :)

* Now lets just hope I get over this illness before then!
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Mar. 13th, 2005 @ 12:30 pm (no subject)
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Mar. 13th, 2005 @ 11:48 am (no subject)
I'm feeling pretty: angryangry
Last night I had a conversation with some friends that really opened my eyes to things that I should have already known. How can we ( homosexuals ) be so judgmental? Why do we reserve the right to cast a stone at someone, like we know what their situation is. If there's one thing I learned growing up in the kind of household I did, it's that you can never understand what someone is going through until you experience it for yourself.
Of course we all have the right to own an opinion on things, however that doesn't give anyone the right to voice it in such a way that it comes off insensitive and mean. We have no right to be angry at those that don't understand that homosexuality is not a choice if we can't understand that certain people handle certain things in different ways. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to not only have the balls to jump out of the closet wearing a rainbow flag but also have a warm and supportive family there to catch you. I still to this day, don't think I'd be "out" had my mother not confronted me on the subject. I would be one of those people that some of my closest friends call, a fake or a liar. It saddens me to think that gays can be some of the most narrow-minded people of all. All of the heinous issues that exist in the world, wether it be racism or sexism exist within our own little subculture.
I got so upset last night when I realized that people are so quick to forget how they got to where they are now. It's never difficult for ANYONE to "come out". It was one of the most frightening things I've ever had to go through and I'll never ever forget it. Maybe this is why I'm able to sympathize with people who are afraid to come out of the closet. So what if someone's not out but they're going to gay clubs, HOW DOES THAT AFFECT YOU OR ANYONE AROUND YOU? I think we ask the faith based organizations and our President the same type of question when they push so hard to take away our right to marry.
I guess I'm just mostly upset because I was naive to think that those people I kept close to me held something of the same views as I did and I was wrong. I just hate when someone is so quick to judge someone else without getting to know them first. It's a little disheartening when you find out people you think you know very well... you don't really know at all. I just hope that one day we'll realize that we are just as bad as those that denounce us and our culture. Instead of throwing stones at someone trying to enter our community in a different way than we did, we should offer support. Even if we can't or don't understand or even agree, is it too much for us to hold out a hand or extend some knowledge of experiences.
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Feb. 18th, 2005 @ 10:29 pm Friends...



LJ friendsCollage.

Brought to you by pratibha75 and teemus.
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Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 08:32 am Alan Keyes and the politics of hate and hypocrisy
I'm feeling pretty: cheerfulcheerful
I am listening to: none
Isn't it Ironic?!

This is one of the best articles I've read in a long time! Read it all !!! It's Great!

(SAN FRANCISCO)(February 14) On St. Valentine�s day we offer a father-daughter love story, though perhaps not quite the kind that would excite the juices of cupid. Yes, Alan Keyes�much to the surprise of the somnolent Chicago media�has arisen from the political graveyard to haunt us again--with a new episode of homophobia, one involving his daughter.

Keyes became notorious last year. First, he was imported to Illinois by a handful of right-wing Republicans who rejected the Illinois Republican Party�s history of moderation�and success--in winning elections. The radical right wanted a true test: they got it. Keyes lost by 40 points.

Keyes is really not a political figure. He is a political entrepreneur. He takes extremist stands knowing that a tiny fragment of the political community agrees with him and will pay to hear his radical nonsense. Keyes makes a good living being a right-wing nut, certainly a better living than I do. He rakes in the cash by peddling his rightist claptrap and a handful of Republican social-militia types pay well to support him in high style.

But Mighty Alan speaks with a forked and dissembling tongue and, as they used to say in the 1950�s, puts �business before pleasure.�

Keyes' �business� is titillating his tiny segment of right wing nuts with fundamentalist rhetoric. Why Republican leaders imported him to Illinois still mystifies me. It was a political marriage made in hell.

Keyes promptly attracted national attention by sliming the gay daughter of Vice President Cheney. He went to the Republican National Convention, ensconced himself on �Radio Row,� and promptly attacked Ms. Cheney because of her sexuality, calling her a �selfish hedonist.�

Keyes went on to speculate that �[I]f my daughter were a lesbian, I�d look at her and say�� Heaven forefend.

What Keyes did not tell his right-wing supporters and paymasters was that he did have a daughter, and he already knew she was a lesbian. Maya Keyes had �come out� to her parents in high school, and Keyes knew he was telling less than �the truth and full truth� when he trashed Cheney�s daughter and concealed his own identical family situation. Keyes concealed the truth concerning his family (pleasure) because it was obviously "bad for business."

Since Maya Keyes is bad for business with Keyes' right-wing constituency Mr. Keyes has now ended the pleasure of his parenthood. He has thrown Maya out of the house (family values) and cut off her tuition and school money for brown University (Christian charity?) Oh, what a tangled web we weave!!!!! And, oh, Happy Valentine's day.

Do I hate Republican hypocrites? No. I love them. What would we do without them? How could we know how stupid, how self-destructive hypocrisy and homophobia are if we did not have the pseudo-didact Alan Keyes to remind us? It just so happens I was in San Francisco when the Keyes brouhaha broke in the national press. (The story has not yet appeared in Chicago, where winter cold always chills the journalistic bones, so this column is an Illinois exclusive.)

Have I ever been wrong on gay rights? Yes, I have. But I learned from my involvement in the political arena. When you marginalize any group, you endanger every group. It�s Third Reich 101. I landed in San Francisco last year when the gay marriage boom was about to explode. What interest did I have in the private lives of peaceful citizens who were doing nothing wrong? None whatsoever. Peace.

Unlike Keyes, I have not found a way to create a profit center from politics, so I do not speak out on public policy matters to fatten my wallet. Unlike Mr. Keyes I am not in the pay of either the pro or anti gay rights lobbies.

And I have come to rank the right to privacy and the implicit right to tolerance in a democratic society as very critical rights indeed. Thursday night I will be having dinner in San Francisco with a couple of guys whose sexuality is of no concern to me. Don�t ask, don�t tell. They are friends. Period. And I am going with a family member.

If Keyes were only a footnote to history, a sad footnote for a misguided Illinois Republican Party thrashing about for a new direction and new leadership, the travails of his daughter would soon be forgotten. But Keyes clams to have transplanted his hate and homophobia to Illinois permanently, to influence Illinois Republicans.

Let me stress I do not mean to answer Keyes� hate with my own reciprocal hate. I understand that many decent people of faith were schooled in a style of worship and scripture that demonized some and exalted others, notwithstanding the message of the gospels. I favor the right to privacy for private organizations. No church�s liturgy or clergy should be dictated from without; in a free society every religious organization must be free to define itself from within. If I disagree with any private institution of which I am a part, I am free to dissent or de-part, peacefully and with respect.

So, even if I disagree with the religious policy of a particular denomination or religion, I feel comfortable defending the right to be wrong. That�s the American way.

Because I try to be a good Christian, in this season of penitence and Lent (as always) I do not hate those who disagree with me, I try to love them. Even Alan Keyes.

Here�s to you, Alan. And please bring your daughter home and pay her college tuition bills. You can afford it. Those right-wing Christians have filled your pockets with silver. Don�t make it look like you can only count to thirty.

As for myself, only my girl friend knows for sure. Hey, it�s private.

Here's a link to her BLOG where you can read a copy of her speech, it's really great: Maya Marcel-Keyes
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Feb. 14th, 2005 @ 09:34 pm Top of the hill.....
I'm feeling pretty: blahblah
I am listening to: Matt Nathanson - Weight of it All
Slowly things are getting better... slowly, I'm beginning to see the prime rib, the hot dogs, the hamburgers, the chicken, the California dreaming salad, the loaded baked potato... basically if I see anything that even looks like I might be able to digest it ... it's going in my mouth.

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Feb. 13th, 2005 @ 07:31 pm WINTER PARTY BABY!
I'm feeling pretty: calmcalm
I am listening to: Grammys
Although I am having one of the worst weeks ever with this recovery shit, I just found out we're going to Winter Party While in Miami for Spring Break! This excites me very much! Miami is already the most fabulous ( sorry, I mean fantastic) place ever ... having Winter Party while I'm there makes it 132432473957345 times better!


Well, I'm gonna go back and dream about how much fun I'm gonna have very soon!

Pics from last years winter party:

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Feb. 9th, 2005 @ 08:51 am Day 3
I'm feeling pretty: annoyedannoyed
I am listening to: The View

Last night was definitely a doosey. I woke up around 4 am in the most intense pain. I realized I didn't set the alarm to take my medication. My God, there is nothing that can describe how horrible it felt. The only thing I could do to take away the pain while I was waiting for the pill to kick in was eat sorbet. Now, who the hell has to eat sorbet at four o'clock in the morning?!
Oh well I'm starting to feel tired again so I guess it's back to sleep.

This journal entry is dedicated to oxycontin. If it weren't for you dear sweet pill, I'm sure there would be some people around the house in more pain than I was last night. Thank you for providing me with a pain free sleep. :)

Also, thanks to everyone that came by to visit me yesterday. You guys have no idea how much that means to me. I know you think you did nothing but it really did make me feel better. Even if you did just stop by for only a few mins. 'Ster came over and watched some of the Golden Girls: Season One! I couldn't believe he stayed as long as he did. I'm sure he was quite bored but it was very sweet of him to do that. Thanks Les, you don't know how happy that made me.

Before you watch this crazy shit, I just want to say... I still want some damn chicken bitch! You try having your tonsils out .. I don't care what they do to those damn animals so long as I'm eating. God that was mean, I'm sorry

Bea Arthur for P.E.T.A.
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Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 03:14 pm blegh
The tonsils are gone... and I am in pain. Pure misery. The drugs are nice though... they make me happy. Very happy and loving. I'm on them right now actually.... aaahhhh. Well my vision is kinda blurry so I think I should go lay down.
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